It’s Christmas! Except it’s not. It’s November.
This retail festivities/still-too-early issue was really bothering me…until I stumbled upon the new Christmas shop that has appeared in the mall. Here it is:
This wondrous cornucopia of glittering horrors and tiny lightbulbs trades under the name ‘Deck the Halls’ and contains all you need to transition seamlessly from November into wholesale festive denial. If you can’t beat them, join them. And this shop contains some excellent goods which you really shouldn’t be without this holiday.
So without further ado, the Terrible Catastrophes Fool-proof Guide To Exceptional And Premature Christmas Decoration:
ITEM #1: THE SIX-FOOT PLUSH POLAR BEAR
Now I have always nursed an irrational love of oversized plush animals; aged five I nearly killed a man dressed as the Toymaster dog when I hugged him with such force that he fell down a flight of stairs. But this bear. This poor, poor polar bear is really something else.
Standing a majestic six-foot tall, adopting a squatting pose indicative of some serious bowel issues, this incredible creature also comes pre-equipped with an intriguing tinsel hula-skirt/modesty bar fashioned by the staff of ‘Deck the Halls’, who clearly were unable to cope with the full-frontal-and-public nature of its squatting. This fantastic piece of merchandise retails for the princely sum of £399.99 and in my opinion is worth every penny.
ITEM #2: BLEACHED ANGEL OF DEATH FIGURINE
This tasteful Angel-of-Death ornament is a festive must-have for your home. Tragically, the grey toadstool is for display purposes only, but if you want to introduce an atmosphere of seasonal macabre to your abode this Christmas, the Angel of Death, *festive edition*, is the way to go. Just look at that faux-fur shroud, that downcast blank face. Retails at £20; the matching potted condolence lily will set you back an extra £5, but frankly to leave the store without this accessory would be a heinous crime.
ITEM #3: THIS SQUASHED THING
Admission: I have no idea what this thing is actually meant to be. It is improbably heavy on account of the fact that it’s full of sand, and it costs £8. Its eyes point in different directions, it has no discernable lower limbs, and it seems to be wearing a waistcoat. I don’t actually have anything else to say about this one, apart from the fact that you should probably buy it. (Frosted glass vases with glued-on fluff and toadstools cost £3 apiece, in case you were wondering.)
ITEM #4: FAMILY OF SINGING OWLS
At the touch of a button, this seemingly innocent trio of miniature owls with chronic spinal conditions lurches into motion. They flash red lights! They dance! They sing! They rattle! They Just Do Not Stop! Do not be put off by their dishevelled appearance, crumpled cardboard enclosure or desperate staring eyes. Reaching unbelievable decibel levels, these owls are guaranteed to be the life and soul of the party, yours for £30.
ITEM #5: GIANT CERAMIC PENGUIN
This is the star attraction of ‘Deck the Halls’’s “Fragile Ornaments” section at a bargain £14.99. Whilst you could invest in this delightful naked-cherub-glued-to-a-chocolate-heart (no discernable price), or this miniature-seal-in-a-state-of-rigor-mortis (£9.99), the Giant Penguin is clearly a more sensible choice. Don’t be misled by its gleeful face – its surfaces and claws are surprisingly sharp, and I’d confidently vouch for its dual purposes as a lethal projectile/weapon of self-defence in the case of Christmas burglars or brutal familial disputes.
ITEM #6: TWERKING CHRISTMAS TREE
This incredible tree not only has a face and limbs, but also an arse. It plays music, loudly; it revolves, fast. It executes moves that an evergreen fir should just not be capable of making. You rarely catch a glimpse of this tree’s flashing red eyes thanks to its wobbling, fringed, green arse. Probably not suitable for use around children, the elderly, or those of a nervous disposition, this is essentially the Miley Cyrus of Christmas trees; screams of lost innocence and even comes complete with giant foam hands. Flying off the shelves, however – highly collectible and reduced to £9.99 while stocks last. But exercise serious caution when purchasing; I would anticipate serious and long-lasting trauma if you encountered this thing in a dark room on Christmas night whilst off-your-face-drunk.
*And last but not least*
ITEM #7: PARACHUTING SNOWMAN
This motion-activated snowman requires improbable quantities of interior renovation just to rig up its zipwire, but the stunning result is certainly worth compromising the structural integrity of your home. Venture close to this contraption, and it jerks into life before progressing along its zipwire with alarming rapidity; its legs flail frantically throughout, it revolves, and it plays music! If you fancy being concussed this holiday season by a low-flying and curiously stripy snowman attached to an umbrella that could never realistically bear its weight, traversing your living room in a graceful blur of flailing limbs and straining metal wire, this purchase is for you – a bargain at only £30!
Well there you have it: the Terrible Catastrophes shortlist of necessary festive purchases, to bridge the gap between November and Christmas. The long-list, meanwhile, was also filled with incredible goods and is pictured below. Credit cards at the ready, and say it in Sean Bean’s voice, accepting climate change and almost-certain-doom: Christmas Is Coming.
Thank you for reading – more content soon!